Saturday, September 19, 2009

The beginning

This blog will serve as my respite from being nice and cheerful. I also have neagtive thoughts and crazy moments that I won't be able to hush out lest I internally combust and ruin our rented fully-furnished condo with bits and pieces of my exploded body, pieces hanging off the ceiling and every where else.

My religion teacher taught me way back in the day that to entertain negative thoughts equates to actually doing the sin. Suffice it to say, damn if you do, damn if you don't. I choose the former. I'm not a good writer but there was never a time that I stopped writing. I don't care if people understands the thoughts I put into writing (or typing), to me it matters. And I cherish that. Selfish? Like I said, this blog is not for you but for me. Care to listen? Then read on.

To start this of, I will always start with an emotion.

Disappointment. There are many reason a person can be disappointed. This time though, I feel disappointed because I don't think I measured up to the little girl that once was me's dreams. Despite all the good things that has been going on, many of the bad things haunt me like Jason and Freddy Kruger and the world is a never ending Elm St. I am torn in feeling pride in the things I do and shamed for the things I don't. Rereading this is making me puke with disgust with myself.

To put it bluntly, I don't feel secure at all. Ever since I lost the only person that mattered to me I feel that my life has no direction at all. And I don't think I even mattered to that person because even at the latter end of the days, I felt left of out of that person's world. In the end, I did not matter, another person did.

I am disappointed of myself because despite all the praises and love, I don't feel fulfilled. And despite the laughter and jokes that I give out, I feel like screaming. Maybe that is the reason why I laugh so hard... it's my way to scream. Now, sitting alone in our room instead of waiting for him to finish his life long dream, gives me a feeling of relief. As if finally, I can break down and be myself. It hard to be strong for someone when you don't even actually know the definition of it nor the feeling. That the words that come spewing out of your mouth when you tell your friends you strong and happy are outright lies. But I would take that anyday than to see their sad pity looks.

there is not much love in here. just letting off some steam.


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